Word Vomit - Little Life Update

I started a new job in November 2018 and am still going strong. After the 3 month trial period, I became permanent in March 2019. I signed up for what insurance I could afford (not very much) and that officially began on the1st of June. Yay! My only big complaint is that I can't get any overtime, which is making money really tight on my end. Mike has a good chunk of money from his tax return, but I consider that as his personal money (especially since he used all of his separation money from the military to cover expenses when we moved back to Houston from El Paso. The reason for this lack of overtime rolls into another complaint, which I will simplify to someone not doing their job. I see now that they are working on the backlog as well as new issues that are arising often, but it has trickled all the way down to my level and that's a big problem.

A couple of months ago, I applied for the wellness program at work and actually got in. It's been an interesting experience to go Whole Food, Plant Based (WFPB). I'm 2 months in and now having difficulty sticking with it, cooking at home (like I had been), avoiding the sweets, and remembering why I wanted to change in the first place. I still take the stairs in the morning all the way up to the 6th floor, but I haven't been doing my 2 minute morning yoga. I'm going to sit down sometime here soon and flesh out why I want to get healthier and change my life for the better. Motivation is a good starting point, but it doesn't last so I have to make it all habit.

It's summer time here and its so hot outside. I'm glad I invested in a new sunscreen for my face from Biore, and I still use the Neutrogena one I have stock-piled. Getting on top of my skincare again is one of the methods in which I have been trying to take care of myself better. I'm 25 and it's time to start being conscious of my skin and start the anti-aging process in order to prevent it as opposed to attempting ti fix it later. However, I do have 3 pretty deep wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching up my face, usually when it's too bright, so I really want to see what options are out there to correct it.

One thing I'm really proud of is that I finally feel really on top of my depression. I notice the physical sensations of that metaphorical dark cloud coming over, and it usually comes up if i have forgotten to take my medication 1 or 2 days in a row. I do work on it on other ways, but for now medication has been a wonderful thing for my life. Medication is obviously the last option one should consider, but in hindsight I wish I would have been more knowledgable about the symptoms of depression and therefore would have considered it earlier. Maybe certain parts of my life would have gone a heck of a lot smoother and certain relationships would have been better. Now that I know more of the symptoms I can sometimes catch it in other people. Since starting medication, the overwhelming feeling of being a burden is gone and the word burden has never come out of my mouth (in reference to myself). Unfortunately, I hear those dreaded words, "I don't want to be a burden" or "I feel like a burden to you" come out of the mouths of people I care about. What sucks even more is that one of those people outright denies it and refuses to consider taking steps that would help immensely (visiting a counselor to talk and or medication). There's a part of me that sees it as them not wanting to help themselves or better themselves and that they would rather wallow in it. There's real truth in the saying, "You cant hep someone that won't help themselves."

I'm also really proud of my husband and that our relationship has definitely gotten better, which I attribute to him starting to learn about politics (of all things). He wanted to be more knowledgable and has since started learning about it of his own volition. This has transformed into many in depth conversations on controversial topics, him being more engaged, and into a mutual respect of ideas and ways of doing things. We have always respected each other's opinions, but now it's obvious to us that respect is probably the biggest reason our relationship works so well, despite how different we are. My cousin casually brought up that she doesn't understand how our relationship works, and for the longest time we didn't either and just didn't question it. We have vastly different eating habits, sleeping habits, preferences, etc. When I used to think into it too much, I would get really disheartened in all honesty. My current working theory is that I believe most of the commonality is in our values themselves. We can value the same thing, but take different paths to getting there.

Some TED Talks That Get Me Inspired

"How to Stop Screwing yourself Over"

Mel Robbins

"How to Find and Do Work That You Love"

Scott Dinsmore

Gratitude Creates Joy

On the way into work Friday morning, I had an epiphany in the parking garage: We are so freakin' lucky.

(1) We have food in the fridge and pantry.

(2) I have a car that works well (and even has air conditioning!), which gives me tons freedom and flexibility.
(3) We now make enough money to not only cover our needs, but can also afford to make coffee every day. This is with one of us working full-time and the other part-time.

(4) We are both in overall good health.

(5) Next week, which is now tomorrow, will be my first official day with my company since my 90 day trial through the agency is up.

Life is good.

Feeling Behind In Life

Good morning!
I know I'm not the only one who falls for this feeling of being behind in life even when intellectually I know the idea is silly. A lot of the feeling is based in our expectations of ourselves, regardless of how achievable they actually are. I put lots of pressure on myself to keep moving forward, but overwhelm myself with the fast pace of trying to do something more and get out of my current situation. Sometimes it's hard to keep my eyes off of the people around me and compare myself only to my younger self.

It also does not help that I'm very unhappy in my current job at a Chinese restaurant, but can't leave because I need the money and we will likely be moving in the near future. I'm having a very difficult time meeting their expectations for how I should act. While I believe good customer service is of the utmost importance, my bosses believes it's all about speed. Due to their beliefs in how a business should run, their standards for certain foods, mainly the very popular dishes, has gone way down so that they can make them faster. By their standards, I talk to the customers too much. Sometimes I do agree with that sentiment, but I know it's because I don't have time to spend with friends or my husband much outside of work. That is something I do need to work on. However, answering customer's questions and giving recommendations if they ask or if it seems like the need it should be an integral part of my job, not what i get criticized for regularly. I hate being told I'm too nice when I am giving my all to trying to keep people coming back.

In an effort to see the silver lining, I have to focus on the many lessons I have learned on how not to run a business and what standards I should look for in my next job. Also today is the day off for Boss #2, Boss #1's baby momma, so working all day today should go a lot smoother and I can keep trying not to talk to people without having her being passive aggressive at me all day (because she blames me for her giving a customer the wrong take-out bag of food yesterday and because Boss #1 had me be shift manager for a couple months until she through a fit). I have a job though. My daily mantra is "Take a deep breath. I'm so grateful that I have a job."

Seeing friends at comparatively better or more prestigious jobs is difficult for me not to get down on myself about. I just really want a job that I dread going to.

My Thoughts On: Debt

Lets talk about paying off debt.

FEELING OVERWHELMED? BREAK IT DOWN.

CAN YOU DO IT? YES.

WILL IT WORK? YES.

IS IT WORTH IT? YES.

Period. End of Story.

My Thoughts On: "Why-Power"

Remembering the "why" is often just as important as the "what." One of my favorite YouTube channels, Pick Up Limes calls it your "why-power." Once you connect why you are doing something to the action or object itself, then it reinstills that meaning. For Satya at Pick Up Limes, her "why-power" was in regards to her decision to live a vegan lifestyle. Ryan and Joshua, The Minimalists, talk about it in regards to consumerism. If an object doesn't bring value and meet your other personal criteria then you do not purchase it.

☆☆☆☆

I want to learn a good and true life before there are children to teach it to. More than just financial stability, I want to raise them in a way that doesn't continue the way we are now. Fitness and mental health were never a big focus in my household, but after going through a tough depression it became a conversation with my mom. 

I want to teach them the tools for being happy. Maybe going through such a tough time mentally is going to be the kick start to learning from scratch. It's a possible teachable moment.

Fitness and physical health never was a part of growing up. I do remember hating when school would make me run the mile (and still dont enjoy it) and loving gymnastics at summer camp. That's only one aspect of life that I'd like to influence for my future kids. If... no when I create the discipline for yoga every day then I believe I am a step closer to being ok with bringing a new human into the world. If I'm going to give birth once then it's going to be intentional.

My Thoughts On: Sleeping Habits

Lets talk about sleeping habits.

Make your bed in the morning.
Put down the electronics.
Don't eat close to bedtime.
Try taking a shower.
Go to bed early.
Make a routine.
Actually stick to it.